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Paraprosdokianisms

I received this in an email from my boss and I thought it was too funny to pass up. If you’ve heard most of them before, my apologies.

A paraprosdokian is a figure of speech in which the latter part of a
sentence or phrase is surprising or unexpected in a way that causes the
reader or listener to reframe or reinterpret the first part. It is
frequently used for humorous or dramatic effect, sometimes producing an
anticlimax.

1. Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and
beat you with experience.

2. Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian any more than standing
in a garage makes you a car.

3. The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it’s still on the list.

4. If I agreed with you we’d both be wrong.

5. We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public.

6. War does not determine who is right – only who is left.

7. Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; Wisdom is not putting it
in a fruit salad.

8. Evening news is where they begin with ‘Good evening’, and then
proceed to tell you why it isn’t.

9. A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a
train stops.  On my desk, I have a work station.

10. How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes
a whole box to start a campfire?

11. Dolphins are so smart that within a few weeks of captivity, they
can train people to stand on the very edge of the pool and throw them
fish.

12. I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted pay checks.

13. Whenever I fill out an application, in the part that says “In an
emergency, notify:” I put “Doctor”.

14. I didn’t say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.

15. Behind every successful man is his woman. Behind the fall of a
successful man is usually another woman.

16. You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute
to skydive twice.

17. The voices in my head may not be real, but they have some good ideas!

18. Hospitality: Making your guests feel like they’re at home, even if
you wish they were.

19. I discovered I scream the same way whether I’m about to be
devoured by a great white shark or if a piece of seaweed touches my
foot.

20. There’s a fine line between cuddling and holding someone down so
they can’t get away.

21. I always take life with a grain of salt, plus a slice of lemon,
and a shot of tequila.

22. When tempted to fight fire with fire, remember that the Fire
Department usually uses water.

23. You’re never too old to learn something stupid.

24. To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever
you hit the target.

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