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Paraprosdokianisms

March 18, 2011 Leave a comment

I received this in an email from my boss and I thought it was too funny to pass up. If you’ve heard most of them before, my apologies.

A paraprosdokian is a figure of speech in which the latter part of a
sentence or phrase is surprising or unexpected in a way that causes the
reader or listener to reframe or reinterpret the first part. It is
frequently used for humorous or dramatic effect, sometimes producing an
anticlimax.

1. Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and
beat you with experience.

2. Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian any more than standing
in a garage makes you a car.

3. The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it’s still on the list.

4. If I agreed with you we’d both be wrong.

5. We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public.

6. War does not determine who is right – only who is left.

7. Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; Wisdom is not putting it
in a fruit salad.

8. Evening news is where they begin with ‘Good evening’, and then
proceed to tell you why it isn’t.

9. A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a
train stops.  On my desk, I have a work station.

10. How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes
a whole box to start a campfire?

11. Dolphins are so smart that within a few weeks of captivity, they
can train people to stand on the very edge of the pool and throw them
fish.

12. I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted pay checks.

13. Whenever I fill out an application, in the part that says “In an
emergency, notify:” I put “Doctor”.

14. I didn’t say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.

15. Behind every successful man is his woman. Behind the fall of a
successful man is usually another woman.

16. You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute
to skydive twice.

17. The voices in my head may not be real, but they have some good ideas!

18. Hospitality: Making your guests feel like they’re at home, even if
you wish they were.

19. I discovered I scream the same way whether I’m about to be
devoured by a great white shark or if a piece of seaweed touches my
foot.

20. There’s a fine line between cuddling and holding someone down so
they can’t get away.

21. I always take life with a grain of salt, plus a slice of lemon,
and a shot of tequila.

22. When tempted to fight fire with fire, remember that the Fire
Department usually uses water.

23. You’re never too old to learn something stupid.

24. To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever
you hit the target.

Categories: Humor, Stupid shit Tags: , ,

So you’ve jailbroken your iPhone. Now what?

March 17, 2011 5 comments

Home Screen

I’ve mentioned before how there are distinct advantages to jailbreaking your iOS device. I was dismayed when Apple changed the orientation lock on the iPad and made it into a volume lock. Someone promptly developed a “NoMute” app that changes the switch functionality back to rotation lock. Up until the iOS 4.3 update, the only way to get it was through the Cydia repositories.

What I want to do in this post is give you ideas and recommendations as to what to get, app wise, once you’ve jailbroken your iDevice. I won’t go into details on how to jailbreak the unit, you can find plenty of resources here on RedmondPie.com and on iphonehacks.com so I won’t bore you with those details. I will list some terms for the users who have jailbroken their iPhones/iPads for the first time. I was lost trying to figure out what was what and I hope that this list will provide a starting point for all the nOObs.

Jailbroken terminology

  • Cydia – App that is the source of all other apps. Central repository
  • Springboard – What you see on your screen, the whole thing, icons, background, lockscreen
  • Respring – Akin to rebooting your Springboard
  • Mobile substrate – A failsafe “SpringBoard.app” that will run in case of a SpringBoard crash.
  • SHSH Blobs – is a signature file which is verified against Apple Servers to verify the the iPhone is running the latest version of iOS. If for some reason, when you are try to restore to a previous version, Apple will not allow you to restore it because, you are trying load a older version of iOS. To make this possible, you need to send a request to a different machine (local or designated) which sends an SHSH blob (which was saved by you) back to iTunes faking that its the current version.
  • DFU Mode – Stands for “Device Firmware Update.” This is the mode your device needs to be in prior to injecting the jailbreak. It is the state between power off and loading the iOS. Allows access to kernel, which is the current injection vector.
  • Tethered – Having to re-jailbreak phone every time you cycle power to the phone. Annoying as hell.
  • Untethered – NOT having to jailbreak your phone every time you cycle power to the phone. Don’t jailbreak until the untethered method is available.

OK so now you have your Cydia App on the screen. It looks like this:————————->

This is where you begin.

<———–You will see this screen when you launch the app:

Go to search and search for these 5 critical apps:

SBSettings

Winterboard

Five Icon dock

SpringJumps

AptBackup

Other apps that you might want to consider include iBlank, iFile ($2.00), Veency, Iconoclasm ($2.00), WiFiFoFum, WiFi Passwords, Five Icon Switcher, OpenSSH, and FakeCarrier.

I won’t go over the optional apps but I will briefly describe each of the five apps.

SBSettings

SBSettings is a great add-on that allows you easy access to the most common settings within the iOS. rather than launching the native settings app, you swipe your finger on the top of the device to bring down a selection (customizable) of commands that allow you to turn bluetooth on and off, turn WiFi on and off, allow a quick reboot or power off and an easy way to view and kill processes. Here is how it looks on my phone. Note that you can also quickly turn airplane mode on and off from this screen.

Winterboard controls the themes that you can either download for free or pay for. The themes can range from simple to complex, with skins for your phone app, iTunes app; SMS app, etc as well as modified icons and lockscreens. Winterboard is what controls these mods. Within winterboard, you select those sections you want to use and then you re-spring to get the new skin(s) and look. You can see from the top picture that I have modded my iPhone with the A 2 A [ProjectBLU] theme.

Five Icon Dock is simply that, allows you to place five instead of four icons in the dock. there is also a Six Icon Dock but I find it’s too crowded.

SpringJumps allows you to quickly jump from one screen to the next, bypassing the need to swipe till you get to the correct screen. You can see from my screen that I have Home/Tools/Games/Apps/More. I often switch from Home to Apps and this allows me to quickly go from one screen to a screen two screens down.

AptBackup lets you backup your jailbroken app settings so that when you upgrade to the latest version of the iOS, you are able to keep track of your jailbroken apps. You see, every time Apple releases an upgrade, it removes the jailbreak and restores it to the stock Apple apps, forcing you to try to remember which JB apps you had. AptBackup takes the guesswork out of the process. it backs up the apps you have along with the regular Apple backup which occurs when you sync your device.

As I mentioned above, there are many other useful apps available through Cydia. Peruse the repositories and enjoy the freedom of multiple distribution channels. There are some great apps out there that are NOT Apple sanctioned and it’s worth it to try them out.

**NOTE: JAILBREAKING ANY iDEVICE WILL VOID THE WARRANTY!! YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED!!!**