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Bill Simmons – The Sports Guy

Bill Simmons

The Sports Guy

Bill Simmons of ESPN is a columnist who touches on sports (with a definite lean towards Boston sports teams) as well as pop culture. He’s always a funny read and has great insight, albeit irreverent, in the world of sports. I always look forward to his columns wherein he answers readers questions. He has a recent session (called the Summer Mega-Mailbag) that, in true Harry Potter and the Deathly Gallows/Matrix tradition, is so long he split the column into parts one and two. To give you an idea of the questions he answers, I’ve given you a taste below; if you enjoy them, head on over to ESPN.com for the whole thing. He’s on Page Two.

Q: My No. 1 reason for watching the World Cup: If you lose, something bad may happen to you. The Fear Factor is great. Some dictator, ruler or cartel will sell your family, house and car before your plane lands. Do you really think the North Korea goalie is still alive after giving up seven goals? Kim Jong Il has that guy floating in a dinghy somewhere.
— Mike Allen, Chicago

SG: All good points. It’s the only life-or-death event we have. I mean, even when Steve Bartman helped screw up the 2003 NLCS for Cubs fans, they didn’t kill him; they only made him move to Europe, change his name and start a new life as if he had joined the witness protection program. That’s totally different.

Q: If you look back on all the episodes of “Seinfeld” that dealt with Jerry and Co. frantically racing across town for whatever reason or missing somebody at a restaurant or bar by a couple of minutes, a BlackBerry or iPhone would’ve solved all their problems. Larry David and Jerry Seinfeld are lucky they made the show when they did (before cell phones went mainstream) because there’s no way “Seinfeld” works in 2010.
— Steve Clark, Fort Wayne, Ind.

SG: Thanks for ruining “Seinfeld” reruns for me; I can’t watch the show since I read this e-mail. Next up for Steve Clark: Figuring out ways to piss on Christmas and three-day weekends.

Q: So I’m up late on Saturday night watching MTV’s “True Life.” It’s an episode in which it follows two people who aren’t happy about their gender. One guy is super excited about getting his boobs so he can start the process of becoming a woman. He gets his new boobs and when we finally get to see them, they are blurred. Wait a minute … isn’t he still a guy? What’s the difference between this and anyone on “The Biggest Loser”? Also, it follows a girl who is getting her boobs removed. They show her in the operation room and when her boobs are getting cut out, there is no blur to be seen. Six weeks later, they pull off the bandages and there they are. All stitched up for me to see. No blurs to be found. So now I’m really perplexed. When do the rules of what to/what not to blur set in?
— Mike Gath, Austin, Texas

SG: Approaching …

Q: If you could replace any character in movie history with yourself, who would it be and why? My vote is for you to replace Goose in “Top Gun.” You get to kiss a young and hot Meg Ryan, get a nickname no one will ever forget, plus you seem like the kind of guy that would love to play shirtless volleyball with Tom Cruise and Val Kilmer, and next to Cruise you would look 6-foot-9. I don’t think anyone would watch it but still.
–Scott Smith, Madison, Wis.

SG: Coming in for the landing …

Q: Am I the only one who does the following? Whenever I get more than about three-fourths of the way down your mailbag, I start scrolling very slowly through each question and answer so that the next one doesn’t appear. That way, I won’t errantly glance down and see the “Yup, these are my readers” line below, which ruins the surprise. It seems silly but also necessary — it’s much more satisfying to read the e-mail in anticipation of the eventual YTAMR.
— Ari Ofsevit, Boston

SG: Yup, these are my readers.

  1. Vodka and Ground Beef
    August 5, 2010 at 1:32 pm

    Great breakdown of Bill Simmons. I love that guy, especially when he’s not talking about sports. He’s hilarious. I especially love when he breaks down “The Bachelor” – too funny.

    Great post

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